The following is my submission to the 2016 Winter CourseHorse Learner’s Scholarship, coursehorse.com/scholarship
So, I haven’t written for four months and a lot has happened to me since then. Read More
I’m not a toy you play with and put away when you lose interest.
I’m not your second choice when someone else rejects your request.
You know what infuriates me the most in my life? The thing I hate most in life? The one thing that boils my blood. Being taken advantage of.
Like if your alone temporarily and want to appear like you have frirnds, don’t grab me as a fucking decoration. I’m a person, damn it. A human being who needs love, care, affection, and something real. My entire life I have been used and taken advantage of in all areas in my life. At work, in my social life, and academic life. But now I’m afraid it’s happening in my dating life. I don’t want to be the girl who completely jumps to conclusions and it could just be my anxiety. But I feel like if you only text a girl when you want something, usually sexually… Then you’re taking advantage of her. If you’re using her to get over your ex, and obviously aren’t compatible with her, you’re taking advantage of her. If you constantly do things to make sure she’s loyal and doesn’t run with someone else, but then plan on running off with someone else, you’re taking advantage of her. If your only using her because she’s cute and you haven’t dated in a while and just using her for the summer to pass time, you’re taking advantage of her.
This goes for everyone, but I’m speaking from a women’s prospective for a second. A woman deserves respect, honesty. And loyalty. And if you can’t give those things to her, then you shouldn’t be with her. Let her go. So that she can be with someone who can provide her those things.
I look at all these things in my head and added everything up. I’m either being ridiculous or I’m so correct that I should be winning a prize. And if I am correct, then I’m officially done. I have completely reached the point in my life where I’m officially done with Bullshit. I have way too much self respect to be bending over backwards for those who wouldn’t even lift a finger for me. I’m sick. I’m tired. I’m pissed. I’m done. When you’ve been taken advantage of way too many times in your life, you can notice the signs. And these signs are yet again returning in my life.
I am a woman. Strong as a lion. Shy, but outspoken. Open minded and smart. Loving, caring, and sweet. Real and honest. I’m young, but I’m growing every single day. I haven’t experience life much, but I have big plans in the future. I’m goal-oriented and determined. Terrified, but prepared. I’m weird and silly. I have self respect and I have confidence. I try to smile everyday even if my mind tries to change that. I’ve been hurt and I cry. And I get disappointed. And I fail, but I celebrate and try again. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid to live or to grow up. I’m not afraid of the next chapter in my life. I’m ready to see what God has in store for me. I’m looking forward to traveling the world and working at my dream job. I’m looking forward to buying my dream home with a big backyard. I’m looking forward to marrying someone I’m deeply in love with and have a happy, long marriage. I’m looking forward to raising a family and giving them the world, like my family did for me. I’m looking forward to meeting new people and learning about different cultures. I’m looking forward to living, exploring, and loving. I will make my dreams come true. And no one will get in my way.
How do you handle being taken advantage of? What did you learn for that?
Just needed to get this off my chest. Sometimes you need to do that, or you’ll explode.
A lot has happened over the summer. I’m taking a class that I’m doing excellent in, getting paid, and I’m seeing someone. Honestly, this summer has been the best summer ever but I’m beginning to think it’s too good to be true.
I’m not going into detail about the guy I’m seeing. I honestly think he’s really cool. But I don’t know… I fear that I’m being used. Like I’m just his play toy for the summer and then once school starts he will drop me like a bad habit. And it’s scary because I have developed strong feelings for him. I wouldn’t say love…but I care a lot about him.
It’s just that this man had a lot of experience in life and my life is just beginning. I don’t want to cling to this man because if something happens I will fall apart. He said we’re taking it one day at a time. But I fear that it’s a bunch of Bullshit. I feel I will get my heartbroken this summer because I’m getting taken advantage of once again. I have trust issues because I used to put too much trust into people and later got disappointed. Now I expect nothing. But with him, I don’t know… I’m just hoping. He reminds me of my family. His personality and everything. And we have chemistry and there is a connection. I’m just so afraid. I don’t like being in a situation where I feel vulnerable. I don’t like imaging a future with this man because I fear that I will be let down again. I don’t like feeling this way.
Have y’all ever felt this way before?
It’s been a while. That past few months have been pretty wild. I studied my ass off for exams and made the deans list this year! I’ve made a few new friends this semester and protested at my school. I’m now writing for a online newspaper and saving up my money.
So, I forgot to include this in the last post. But since being assertive. Everywhere I go, the people that I used to know glare at me. Judge me. Those were MY friends. Or so I thought. Rumor has it that the person that I talked to told everyone I knew to not talk to me. And they did just that. I’ve learned a few things about those guys after this. 1. They are childish and you would think since we were in college we would be more mature. 2. They weren’t my friends to begin with. If you believe bull shit through word of mouth. You are naive, gullible, and easy manipulated. 3. They did me a huge favor. Now I know. That all those men. Are just boys. Ignorant immature boys. I’m too tired to deal with children. Go back to your sandbox.
Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. Since my last post I have entered into some unwanted irrelevant drama and I’m finally reaching my last week of psychotherapy.
I did the smartest thing this year. A decision that shows how much I’ve grown as a person and gained a thicker skin.
37%. That’s where I feel like I am with my progress. That’s pretty good compared to last semester.
I regret so much. This weekend was tiring, annoying, and just plain old bad. I blame myself for most of it. I did somethings I wasn’t ready for. My past actions have come back to bite me, and I feel like I should use my last resort to make things easier, but I know it will hurt me in the end.